Monday, February 9, 2009

"Golden Slumbers"

Waking up was extremely hard for me this morning. I try to be strong, to not care, to be grateful for what I do have and accept what I don't, to keep the lonely feelings at bay and I do a decent job of it most of the time, but resolve doesn't always reach one's dreams.

Waking up was extremely hard for me this morning. I can smile at kids and play with them. I can baby-sit and help feed and care for them, but in the end they go back to their real parents. In the end all they really want is their mom to play, their mom to cheer them up after a tumble, their mom to snuggle and hold them close. All they really want is their mom and the nice lady from earlier is forgotten. They don't need me. And in the end all I really want is for somebody to need and want me that much, for us to belong to each other.

Waking up was extremely hard for me this morning. There was a world, a world in which I was pregnant and round and happy, a glimpse into a life that knew what it felt like to wait, but didn't have to anymore. Surroundings were abstract, but I wasn't, Gary wasn't, and . . . . . . my baby wasn't. My baby. I gave birth, my belly was gone, the pain was gone, and in my arms was my perfect baby with fingers and toes, the biggest blue eyes and wisps of light hair. An overwhelming feeling flooded through me. I didn't have to give this child back to anyone because he was ours, was mine. It was so vivid, so real that I can still see his beautiful face and remember his weight in my arms.

Waking up was extremely hard for me this morning because I was finally a mother . . . . . . . and then I wasn't. I cried. Moments like these make me realize that I want a child much more than I let on, even to myself.

6 comments:

The Heizzys said...

Hang in there Brit, I love you and know that you will be blessed when the time is right. It is hard to wait, it is confusing, but He knows why you have to, and He loves you. Remember that.

Meka said...

I have had those dreams before, one about a year ago and I still remember it so well! I can't put my feelings out on paper like you do but I think I know how you feel. I remember missing that baby in my dream so much! I knew he was mine, he snuggled with me and cried for me. I still miss him. Some dreams are just dreams but some are blessings I think. I dont know about my dream or yours for sure, but I do think Heavenly Father may give those dreams sometimes to us, maybe just to say "hold on, your time WILL come" I think your time will come, stay close to the Lord and He will let you know what YOU are suppose to do for YOUR situation when the time is right. The Lord has a plan for you, He has not forgotten you. Just hold on! Call me anytime.

Brittany said...

Yeah, the funny thing is that I was doing ok until I had the dream. Usually my dreams about babies consist of me forgetting to feed the baby or accidently kidnapping somebody else's kid. This was the first one that the baby was mine & I wasn't doing something wrong. I guess it could be a blessing in disguise because sometimes I wonder if I want a child bad enough. I certainly haven't struggled with it like you have Meka. So even though today hurts really bad, it wouldn't hurt unless I wanted one right?

The Jones People said...

I don't want you to think i'm rubbing it in because I'm not. I have never dreamed of "having" a baby because mine came before I thought about it, but I have very VERY vivid dreams my entire pregnancy and right after the baby is born. However I dream that I'm on a sinking ship with a newborn in freezing water, what do I do? The house is on fire and I can only make it to Kevin or Wyatt which one do I choose? I wake up sobbing, what would I do if it WERE real life? I think some of us are really good at supressing feelings whether it be grief, fear, anything and they come through in our dreams when we have no control over it. You supress your desire, your hunger for a baby so it won't hurt as bad and the "wait" won't seem so long but it's there and sometimes we have to really feel it to grow and be ready for what's next! I love you and I think you are amazing!

The Jones People said...

sorry that was totally way too long :)

Meka said...

I forgot to tell you we got new couches! They are tan microfiber and we got a GOOD deal! I know how much you love my feather sectional so it's waiting in the garage for you, tell Gary! :)!