Thursday, June 4, 2009

Growing Pains

I know. I KNOW. I completely abandoned any and all blogs and I'm quickly gaining on four weeks which would be a perfectly acceptable amount if my life were filled with boring nothings and drivel. As it is I'm suffering from quite the opposite. SOOOOO much has been going on that the blog has been nothing more than a distant memory from a past life. It's a strange feeling to think back four months ago to what was once my life. FOUR months?! Is that all it's been? It feels like years. And yet parallel to that is the conflicting sense that only a mere two weeks have passed and here I am preparing to fly away to another country in a couple of weeks. I leave for Dominica on the 16th. Let me repeat that: I WILL BE LIVING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY IN TWO WEEKS. A moment of silence in honor of the awesomeness of it all. Ok not really, I was just trying to contain a potential freak out, but I digress.

Four months ago I flipped through Pottery Barn magazines dreaming of coffee tables and conversation pieces, thinking color, lighting, and mood. Four months ago I made the bed on a regular basis. Four months ago Gary and I played World of Warcraft together on Tuesday afternoons. Four months ago my husband and I lived in a small, but beautiful apartment we called home surrounded by things and people we love. We dreamed of the future and the possibilities it held. Then the future came sooner than expected and knocked us flat. Ross University was one possibility unaccounted for.

Now instead of Pottery Barn magazines I listen for the ding on my laptop announcing the newly posted gear sale on Steep and Cheap. My bed has been taken apart, packed neatly and been placed into storage. I've slept on a variety of beds and surfaces these past weeks. World of Warcraft hasn't even been installed on my new laptop yet. The days have been filled with last minute doctor appointments, Dominican visa applications, phone calls, and endless errands. I've been stock piling odds and ends so well that I could rival the most faithfully prepared Relief Society sisters. Clothing needs have been based less on fashion and eye appeal and more on comfort and breathability. I am now homeless. The apartment is empty and echoey with nothing left but dust bunnies in the corners. Our (too)MANY belongings have been shoved, stacked, and wedged precariously into a small storage room. And even though that process has been going on for the past month and I'm now eating and sleeping at my parent's house, I've been homeless for some time now. My home disappeared with the departure of my husband six weeks ago.

I thought I was prepared. I convinced myself that I could handle it.

How very silly of me.

I've learned a lot these past six weeks and let me tell ya, the growing pains have been acute and unpleasant. I don't believe many people can be prepared for their security and safety net to be ripped from under them. You inevitably fall. HARD. At least the first time anyway. The subsequent falls still hurt but hopefully not as bad because you're learning how to fall, how to catch yourself, how to get back up. I won't lie, some days I want to just stay on the ground beat and broken. I feel hopeless and empty. It requires digging a little deeper inside myself to fan the fire of determination. The determination to fight for what I really, truly want. What I need. A fight that is wholly worth it.

I want to be home again.


ShEiLa said...

I am really, really proud of you.

right after Tony and I married I moved to Canada... not that big of a change... but hey I had never been that far away from home.

I wish you the best. Concentrate on the advantage of getting to be with Gary once again... and try to cope with the changes one day at a time... realize that everything you want or need does not come at once.

YOU are an amazing person... and YOU can do this.


Matthias said...

Wow! I have empathy for you! Not too long ago, we were jumping out of one life that we'd been living for 5 years (the poor college student life in a small apartment) to the professional family life post-graduation. We packed up everything we owned into cubes and said goodbye to everything we'd known in the comfortable (but adobe-clad hot) southwest. We now find ourselves not in a different country, but New Hampshire is almost a different country where they say strange words like chowdah and pahk and cah (chowder, park and car would be the translation). Good luck and enjoy it all!

Matthias said...

BTW, I'd never heard of steepandcheap. That's pretty nifty, do you woot?

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